ASK THE PROFESSOR
PROFESSOR EMERITUS has opinions on all things desert-related, and shares them freely and frequently ad nauseum. A well known sesquipedalian pontificator, he has lectured domestically and internationally at universities and taverns. He is a recognized authority on trivialities, verbosity, and cryptids, with a specialization in personalis sententia.
Enjoy this collection of important questions, compiled from all three of our Gold Beam issues! Send queries to: searchlightgoldbeaminfo@gmail.com
Professor Emeritus,
I am planning to take a Mojave road trip with my elderly neighbor and am trying to decide what to take. He’s too old to drive now and so all the prep is up to me. He says I need one of those canvas waterbags that you hang on your headlight. What are those bags even for? Is it water for the car or for me? And is there anything else I need? — I.M. TRIPPIN
Well for starters, it’s been many years since cars had headlights that you could hang anything from. The bags you refer to functioned as canteens and were used to quench the thirst of everything from horses to people to cars. They have been largely usurped by plastic water bottles but if you want to be a 7th level Route 66 geek, purchase one on eBay and hang it out your window, or around your neighbor’s neck.
Dr. Professor, Sir,
I’m not naming names, but I recently visited a very fashionable and nationally protected desert park, where a nearly middle-aged ranger explained to a group of visitors that feral mules from the mining days were thriving in the ecosystem, and their population was increasing. Confused, I asked “don’t you mean mules AND donkeys?” to which she most adamantly replied “No, they are all MULES.” CAN mules reproduce ON THEIR OWN without DONKEYS? I mean mules are just lady donkeys, right? Last time I checked, females still needed males in THAT capacity. Please set the record straight. — JENNY BURROWS
Jenny, let me guess. You visited a protected area named after a plant. For those places it is best to ask only about the plant that the area is named for. Don’t “branch out”. Now about mules. Mules come from the interbreeding of a male donkey with a female horse. The resulting offspring is a mule. A male mule is called a Jack and a female mule is called a Jenny. (A more rare animal is a Hinny, bred from a stallion and a female donkey). Mules cannot reproduce with other mules or with anyone else for that matter. End of the line they are. So, there cannot be descendants.
Now, there are wild burros (burro is Spanish for donkey) wandering the Mojave, descendants of the working burros during the mining days and these would be the critters your ranger pal should have referred to. Their current fate is tied to climate change and government policies. Just last year the Bureau of Land Management rounded up 50 burros and put them up for adoption in Ridgecrest, CA. So you too, Jenny, could have your own Jenny, Jenny, named Jenny perhaps. Check it out at blm.gov under programs.
Professor, what is your recommendation for a good desert cheese? — BREE WHEELER
I am am glad you asked. I have received many letters concerning dessert cheese, but the proper desert cheese is another story altogether. There are two philosophies on this subject. The first is to buy pre-sliced as the slices dry out very fast and are great replacements for the gaskets on your well pump. The other is to buy the stinkiest ones you can find to help rescue workers find you when you are lost in the desert. But just in case you meant dessert cheese, I highly recommend a good Stilton accompanying a glass of vintage port, which I would be happy to join you in.
Professor, my neighbor tells me there were a lot of mines here in Searchlight back in the day, and that there are miles of tunnels underground. just how many tunnels are there? I’ve seen "Paint your Wagon"... how worried should I be about sinkholes? – WATCHING EVERY STEP
First off, "Paint Your Wagon" is a work of fiction. I mean, they let Clint Eastwood sing. Searchlight is a real place and would never permit that. Nothing to worry about these days. By now the sinkholes have been forgotten and the people who fell in them covered up. I mean the sinkholes have been covered and the people forgotten.
Dr. Emeritus, my partner and I have a dream to live off-grid one day. We’ve talked for years now about buying a little piece of property and getting away from the city, (mostly while we are stuck in traffic on the way to Whole Foods). My partner thinks we should sell everything now, buy the first plot we see and just go for it, but I’m a little bit more cautious. What is the best way to go about this? — DREAMING TO BE UNPLUGGED
Ever since there has been a grid we have been trying to rid ourselves of it. From Walden Pond to Morningstar Commune, self-sufficiency has been a dream. Only recently has it become possible to do so without real hardship. Because now there are solar espresso makers. So armed with that technology everything else should be a piece of cake. Or at least hardtack.
Dear Professor, everyone is talking about dreams in this issue, but I can’t remember any of mine in the morning no matter how hard I try. Can you give me any advice? – DREAMING TO DREAM
Quit trying so hard. Make them up. That’s what your friends are doing. And now that you know the secret you can make yours far more interesting than theirs.
Dear Professor, My wife and I enjoy exploring the desert and she collects rocks on all of our trips. Now our windowsills, bookshelves, bathroom counters, garden pots, and the whole house is filling up with with rocks. How do I get her to stop? — HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
Ah yes. Rocks, in their natural state, actually supply fodder for beautiful objects. I suggest you buy your wife some rock polishing equipment or find your local rock club who often have equipment she can use. This is how rocks can become very special objects (and much smaller in the process) but more importantly, once she sees how much work the da*n things are she will probably lose interest in collecting them.
Professor, What vehicle do you recommend for traveling on desert backroads? — ROLAND A. LONG
The one you have. I have personally spent quality time on desert back roads in cars such as Austin Healeys and Karman Ghias, and they all did the job either very well or at least in an interesting fashion. Two pieces of equipment that are essential: a shovel, in case you need to dig yourself out of a situation, and a piece of rope that is used to hold in your hand while you look pitiful after burying your fine street auto up to its axles in sand. A cooler of beer is also handy while waiting for someone to come by and help you. Be sure to save a beer for them.
Professor, is sunscreen a scam? Or, if not, what’s a good one? — BERNIE “RED” BURNS
Mr. Burns, a lot has been written in this and other publications about commercially made and DIY sunscreens. I have noticed that, no matter what substance you use, you won’t need to re-apply very often if you spend more time in Terrible’s Roadhouse than out in the sun. Guaranteed.
Dear Professor, Sir: My friend and I are planning some back roads excursions this fall, and I never seem to know what to do as a driver when I encounter another vehicle on a dirt road. Is there an etiquette to meeting strangers in a remote area? — FREDDY KAT
My dear Freddy, it is always the best policy to treat other people as potential friends. So slow down to keep dust to a minimum, roll down your window, wave and smile. If they want to stop and chat, so much the better. Keep your arm on the car door which gives you an open, friendly look. And the other hand on your gun. Just in case. But keep smiling. (Just kidding about the gun.)
More Wisdom from the Professor: The creative process - a definition: A series of compromises, missteps and mistakes leading eventually to a disappointing conclusion.